16. Hank and the Sadistic Splinters

[00:00:00] Hmm? Ah! Hmm. Hmm. On Caps to Go! Previously, on Welcome to the Apocalypse. Hello! So I'm Fiera, I'm a wrestler. Elizabeth, you're hoping you can have a match with Fiera. I am? Ladies and gentlemen! Okay, you should look- AAAAAAA! And you should look like it- It kinda does! AAAAA! You're pinching my skin! Oh crap! What the heck? Holy crap, it's the Splinters! Oh shit!

[00:00:29] You distracted us with your wrestling magic- Yeah, what the hell, Elizabeth? Adam! They're putting you in the back of one of their vehicles! Get out of the chair! No, but I'm like really comfortable. You gotta get out of here. I want you to take this dune buggy. You and I, I mean, I believe in the power of women, but like, can we get them back ourselves? Elizabeth, are you saying we need a man? I- Hey, you guys! Oh look, Elizabeth! It's a man! Oh, thank you!

[00:00:58] We're going to need so much help. Um, we've been given this dune buggy. Do you know how to drive one of these? Do I? I've been driving these since I was about 12 years old. Yeah. Amazing! I grew up in dune buggy land. Oh! Okay! Awesome! Um, let me grab a couple of snacks. This seems like it could take a little bit. Okay. Snacks? We don't need snacks where we're going. We gotta get there now! Oh! Oh, okay! You're right, sorry. Let me put these down.

[00:01:25] Okay, before we go, can I just find out, um, what's your name and are you single? Oh, Elizabeth! I'd just like to know! My name's Hank, and being a tracker is mighty lonely. Oh! Ah, it's kind of you to ask. Oh, okay. Oh! Hank, well I'm Elizabeth, I am the medical leader and, um, and a nurse practitioner of the group. Medical? Yep, mm-hmm. And this is- You mean you can tend to my womb? Oh, you too! Oh, okay, okay.

[00:01:53] I'm- I'm putting a stop to this for the moment because our friend has just been kidnapped! Oh, right, right, right, Adam, right, Adam. Okay, let's go! Let's, uh, let's- I'll just sit in the back. Okay, just move over. Okay, I'm gonna sit in the- Okay, and, uh, Hank, you're good to drive? Let's go! Oh, yeah, for sure. You haven't been drinking or anything? These things are mostly automatic, so, easy peasy. Oh! Okay. Alright, let's go! Okay. Let's go find our friend! Onward! We'll take the hilly route! Ooh, up the hills! Down the hills! Gonna go up and over the hills! Nice, doobuggy way to go!

[00:02:29] Wake up, man! Oh! You've been sleeping for too long! Oh! We don't let our prisoners rest around here! That's- that's not- Get up! That's not very nice. Well, I- we're the splinters. We're not nice. Yeah. We're jerks. Wicked jerks. I would- I would love to stand up, uh, you know, in this lovely, uh, torture vehicle. I don't know, you got a lot of saws with that, and it just seems like a really, like a- a- a- a very imprecise place to torture.

[00:02:56] It's a very bumpy environment, but in any case, I am still tied to the chair. Uh, yeah- And by the way, I appreciate you used very soft ropes. Oh. That was an accident. Okay. Yeah, it was supposed to make you suffer. Let me- let me fix that. I'm gonna rip it off. Yeah. Look, look, we've arrived at our destination. Yeah. So get out of the- get out of the chair. Come on, I'm gonna- I'm gonna push you down the- down the stairs of this truck. Get out! Now you'll see we've arrived here.

[00:03:24] Hey, no longer- I'm just gonna- can I do my, like, morning calisthenics first? Oh. Look, what's your name? What's your name? We got a lot of work to do. We need to add you to the crew. Here in Gastown. Okay. Let him get his stretches in. We gotta get our stretches in, because these splinters are really hurting my medulla oblongata. You know what I'm saying? Brain? Yeah. It's in my toe. Hey man, stretch your brain.

[00:03:51] My medulla oblongata is under my toenail where my splinter is. Uh, yeah, so my name- it's Angry Adam. I'm a- I'm a pretty cool guy, as you may have gleaned. Uh, nobody asked your name. I- I did actually. I asked his name. Oh. Oh, geez. Sorry, man. Uh, okay. Finish giving us your name. Yeah, it's uh, it's Angry Adam. That's it. He has a name other than Splinter? Yeah, but he's just new. We just got him. Don't worry, we're gonna break him and he's just gonna be Splinter like the rest of us.

[00:04:21] But for now, Steve? Steve with your morning stretches, can you take Adam down to the gas well? Uh, we need to start getting more gas out because the tanker's coming in soon. Oh, gas. Yeah, we could use some of that for the fire truck. Uh, no, no. We're not sharing. This isn't for you! I'm gonna smack you across the face! Yeah. Okay. And you know what? I'm gonna show you why we're called the Splinters. You see this tiny piece of wood? Yeah, that's very uh, someone should really sand that.

[00:04:51] I'm putting it in your arm! Okay. You're just sort of rubbing it on my leather jacket. Oh, oh. Yeah, hold on. Let me roll that up. Alright. Are you ready for this? Uh, I mean not really, but... I guess we're doing it. Rub, rub, rub. Alright, that does sting a little bit. That's a little uncomfortable. Yeah, cause you got Splinters. Yeah, I mean I am, I do feel like pretty mildly displeased by this situation. Uh, I'll give you that. I'll concede that point. Put it under his fingernails. Oh.

[00:05:21] Holy shit Splinter Steve. Yeah. Calm down buddy. We're the Splinters, we're not the psychopaths. Okay, okay. I just, I just, I just want people to feel my pain. Aw. Hey, what, what's going on bud? Well, just, you know, this whole apocalypse thing. Like, you just never take the time to check in, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of a lot. It's kind of a lot. I, I... Hey. Hey. Yeah. Me and my buddy here are having an aside. Yeah. No, I love asides.

[00:05:51] But this is between me and him. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, wait my turn. Is this, is this about... I'm just gonna pull out some, uh, some jelly bellies. Start eating things. Okay, can everybody shut up? Yeah. Yeah. We have work to do. This is a torturous, terrible place that people want to be rescued from. And right now we're making it seem pretty nice. Oh man. Oh, I love this flavor. Oh. Yeah, you're right. I need everybody to get back on board.

[00:06:20] Okay. Can you please take this Angry Adam splinter, show him to the underground where the gas well is, strip him of his clothing and his identity. Wait. And then to the dismemberment chamber. Oh my... Exactly. Let's remember where we are. Sorry. We are the splinters, we are evil, and we have another human being here to destroy. Yes. Let's go. Yeah. Hey, what's your, what's your favorite, uh, flavor of, of jelly bean, do you think?

[00:06:49] It's naked dismemberment flavor. That's not a, there's no way that's a flavor. I like kidney beans. Mmm. Kidney. Oh, that's, that's an interesting one. Let's go, let's go. Oh, I hope everything's going alright with Angry Adam. I hope they're treating him alright. I mean, Hank, can you just, just, just slow down a little, Hank? I've got all this dust in my face. I really, I'm not sure I like it, Doom Buggy. Ugh.

[00:07:18] We're almost there, you guys. Okay. Just stop your belly aching, okay? We're trying to save your friend here. Okay. It's true. So Hank, you've been tracking the splinters. What can you tell us about them? Do you think Adam is going to be okay? Eh, it depends. We don't have much time. You know, I've seen what they've done to these people. Dismemberments, splinters, everywhere. Oh. Oh no. Did they, did they make them get naked? I think so, yes. Oh, Angry Adam's very self-conscious.

[00:07:47] He does wear about five leather jackets. They hang them upside down. And upside down? He hates them. But, once we leave the buggy, I must tell you, we must walk in a certain pattern. Oh. Where we look left, right, up and down. Okay. Okay. When we look up, we must be prepared. Okay. Because we may see Adam hanging. Oh. We never know what these monsters are capable of. Oh no.

[00:08:15] Okay, um, Hank, have you ever had to rescue someone? Like, have you lost someone to the splinters yourself? Yes, I have. Oh. Did you get them back? Um, I'm at a two out of ten success thing. Two out of ten success. That means, oh my goodness. Okay, well, you know, I, I've seen miracles happen in the hospital. I've seen children overcome all kinds of illnesses. I think we can save Adam. I have faith in our abilities.

[00:08:45] Is this your full-time job? Well, it all went downhill when, uh, Uncle Ron, he was the first to go. And, uh... Oh. Yeah, after he saw what they did to him. Oh. It does things to your sake. Okay. So that's why I say, we must hold hands and stay. Uh, okay. Oh, okay. Are we getting out of the, are we getting out of the car now? Or? You're still driving. Oh, I thought we were out of the car. No, no, no. Okay, yeah, hands on the wheels. Ten and two.

[00:09:15] Okay, um, alright. Are we getting close? Oh, no, you said we had to walk, right? Yes. We must take this last journey on foot. Okay, so we're just gonna get out of the, the dune buggy then? Do we have to like hide it or bury it or? Uh, I don't know. I've never had this happen before. Oh, okay. You've never had a dune... You said you grew up on a dune buggy farm. But we always keep them by our sides. I cannot leave this dune buggy alone. No. Okay, well we can...

[00:09:45] There's no person left behind. Well, should we bring it? I mean, you said it was on foot so we're gonna walk beside the dune buggy? Elizabeth, are you sure we should be following this guy? I don't know. I shall put it in neutral and we will push. Oh. I want us to be quiet from here on in, okay? Oh, okay. Oh, okay. It's about the quiet. Okay. Okay, so we're bringing it with us. Okay. You guys, you question me. I tell you, I've done this many times. Okay. Yeah, you okay. But... Okay, so we're pushing the dune buggy and you're steering.

[00:10:15] Elizabeth... I know. We're literally, we're just pushing this guy in the dune buggy while he just sits up there. I don't know what other choice we have, Margaret. He's the one who knows this group. He's lost, what? What's eight minus six people to the splinters. Mm-hmm. Adam is not gonna like being without his jackets. I just don't know that we have much of a choice. So let's just listen to Hank and then maybe when all this is over he and I can fall in love. Okay. I'm sorry. I should... you told me to do slow down. Yes, please slow down.

[00:10:44] Maybe we can just go to the movies or something and get to know each other. Uh, uh, fine. One chaperone date after this. I'm sitting two rows behind the two of you. Okay, but he's already expressed a desire to hold hands. I mean, that's a good sign, right? I guess. He's... he's handsome and... Uh, we're... we're getting distracted again. Angry Adam is probably having... I don't know, his... his one chest hair is being yanked out. Oh! He's so proud of that hair.

[00:11:11] I know! Okay, um, Hank, how much further? Uh, it's just around the bend up here. Yes. Okay, and can we just stop for a minute? Hank, I wanna know, what are we gonna do when we get there? Uh, well, we must sneak through their cave system. Okay. Oh. And then... the splinters, you know, they are merely just misunderstood. Oh. Okay.

[00:11:35] I found if... if you help them take out the splinter out of their toes, it really changes the mood of the whole situation. Oh, so it's like a... a mouse and a lion situation. We have to sneak up... Yeah, like an injured dog. You take the splinter out of the dog's paw and suddenly he's your friend. Yeah. Okay, okay. Do you have, uh, like, tweezers or something in the dune buggy that will help us? Well, I brought enough pairs for all of us. Excellent.

[00:12:04] It's just in my belt here. That's cool. Three tweezers each. I mean, not each. One each. For three of us. Oh, okay. That's three tweezers total. Yes. Man, without Adam here, we're not very good at math. I know. Surprisingly, he's our... kind of our math guy. Well, it's three tweezers and technically six tweezies. Oh. Oh, a six... Okay. No, that would be nine tweez... No, you're right. Six. Okay. Huh. I wonder what's happening to Adam right now.

[00:12:33] They're probably using tweezers of their own on his nipple hairs. Oh, no. Are you, uh... Are you trying to pluck out my chest hairs individually with these tweezers? Yeah. I mean, it's been a while since I've got a waxing gun. Do I have to pay for this after? Uh, yeah. You're gonna pay. You're gonna pay with your life. Oh. Uh, like, uh... Is that like a new form of currency in the apocalypse? Technically, yes.

[00:13:03] It is a new form of apocalypse. Of, uh... You know what, um... Are we gonna, like, play a game of life? I like that board game. Oh my god, this guy... You know what, I think I'm just... I'm gonna leave you locked in here for a little bit. I need... I need some time away from you. Why? I'm so friendly and after... Yep. Okay, closing the door. Alright. Hey, uh... Hey guys. Yeah. Can one of you torture him for a little bit? Yeah, I gotta say for a guy, his name is Angry Adam. He seems remarkably chill.

[00:13:33] He kinda like talked me through a couple of things. On accident. I don't even think he was trying to. Okay. Steve, I think you should try. Oh. Alright. This might be a chance to do one of those... Fingernail things you were talking about. Okay, yeah. I'mma head in there. But this tiny splinter... Is so tiny... Always gonna hurt. Yeah, get him, Steve. Hey, Angry Adam. Hey, Steve. How's it going? Why ain't you even angry? Uh... I've...

[00:14:03] Don't answer that! Alright. How do you like this? MEEEAAAHHHHH! Are you stabbing... Are you stabbing me with something? What? It looks like you're like pinching like a tiny invisible knife. What? This is supposed to torture you! Yeah. Doesn't it burn? Uh... Thinking. Oh my god. Uh... I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the burn. Hey. Hey Steve.

[00:14:32] How's it going in there? Guys, I think he's the one. What? He's the chosen one. The one they prophesized about? He is... The unsplinterable? Oh yes. We're gonna have to go tell the boss. Oh, I never thought I would see the day. No. All of the paintings on the cave walls. This is it. Yeah. Let's go tell the boss. Welcome to the apocalypse. We'll be right back. Stick around.

[00:15:02] I told you to stick around and you did. Very good. Welcome back. Okay. Okay. Um, I see a kind of a... I see the entrance to the cave. Is that the entrance to the cave, Hank? Oh yeah. Right down there. So... Yeah? We're gonna have to go in... In the darkness. Oh... Mm-hmm. There's about a hundred feet of darkness. Until... We usually see their little fire. The fires? Okay.

[00:15:31] That's a lot of feet of darkness. Okay. Yeah. Um... Okay, should... Let's hold hands. Okay, just beware! Uh, just... Well, Hank, um, Margaret has a hook hand. Yep. Just make sure you're not holding her hook hand. Yeah, don't... Don't hurt yourself on that. I'll go in the middle. I'll hold... Cause I have two human hands. Okay. Yep. Okay, Hank, lead the way. Okay. Uh... Watch your feet. There's little tiny pools as well that you can fall into. I can't... Okay, but I can't... I can't see my feet.

[00:16:01] It's very dark. Whoa! Margaret! Yeah, I can't... I've slipped into something. Okay, just... Let's pull you up. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Oh boy. Oh boy. Yeah. Oh boy, indeed. This is not... A hundred feet. I don't know. This could take hours. We're halfway there. Oh. Have your eyes adjusted to the darkness yet? Oh, a little bit. Um... I... Wait, I... Is that you? I'm trying to... Oh... Young... Oh. Young man. Watch your hands. Oh dear. Okay, I thought...

[00:16:31] No. I thought you were someone else. You think it was me? Oh dear. Oh dear. Okay, let's move it along. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um... Can you see that flicker? Yes. Um... Oh. What? What is that? What? On the throne there? They're worshipping Angry Adam. What?

[00:16:59] Your boy has taken over the house colony. What? How did that? Angry Adam! Yeah. Yeah. It's... It's us. We're here to rescue you, but it... Ari, you don't seem like you need rescuing. Um... I mean... I could. I mean... I don't really know what's going on. Everyone be... Just please calm down, Adam. Please calm down. Uh... Calm down. Okay. We're here to save you. Just calm down, calm down. Holy cow.

[00:17:28] I'm relaxing. We're finally here. This is our friend Hank, Adam. Hey Hank. Hey. Who are all these people chanting your name? Uh... Yeah, so uh... I don't really know. Uh... No one's really explained anything to me. Uh... I've just uh... You know... They put me in a room. Uh... They were doing some uh... You know... Like I was getting like uh... My chest hair waxed. Which I... I haven't actually uh...

[00:17:58] Been able to do in a while. Uh... Which is nice. Uh... Did they take that one hair you were really proud of? Yeah, but you know... All things must pass. What? And uh... You know... I'm gonna grow another one. It was getting a little... It was nice and long, but then it just... It sort of passed the length of uh... Of really... Of really being proportional to the rest of my body. Margaret, come here. Here, let's just go back to the cave. Okay, okay. Margaret.

[00:18:28] Yes? Margaret. Elizabeth. Margaret, what's happening? I... I... Has Adam... Has Adam replaced us with these people? He seems... I don't... He seems... Okay, will you? He seems... What? I just... I just... I had a family and now... He's joined this club and he doesn't seem to have time for us anymore and he doesn't even care about his hair. He does seem really busy and he's changing.

[00:18:54] Like, he's in charge now and I don't know where I fit anymore because these people don't seem like my people and like... Elizabeth, a wee-hoo, wee-hoo, maybe let's go in and ask a question or two before we... Okay. I just... You know... I don't think you can rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued and he doesn't seem particularly like wanting to come with us. That's true. He wasn't even excited to see us. He was just like, whatever... I...

[00:19:23] You know, I didn't even notice that. I know! And like, Hank risked his life and I... I just don't know what to do. And I'm usually the leader! Well, you're the medical leader. That's for sure. It's also like the regular leader. I... I guess. Wow, this... These... I feel like maybe these caves have some weird mojo that's kind of making us all a little bit cranky. I have heard that bat guano makes you crazy. Maybe there's bat guano in here. Were you eating the bat guano?

[00:19:52] I... I thought it was like, um... Elizabeth, you're the medical leader! Look! Oh my... I'd expect this from Angry Adam. I'm sorry! Everything's topsy-tervy and upside down and I don't know what's happening! Okay, let's... Okay, okay, let's... Okay, okay, let's... Okay, strong front. Okay, okay. We... We're just two confident women... Okay. ...who just went out here to, um... Re-apply our lipstick... Okay. ...and we're going back in there to show them what's what. Okay, okay. Hank, can you come here please? Hank, can you come over here?

[00:20:23] Hey. Okay. Hey, have you... Have you ever seen this before? Where they take a captured person and they turn them into their god? Um... No, but... You know what this means, right? No! Who? Literally don't! We have to kill Angry Adam. What? Yeah. I mean, now he's their leader. No matter how many people I've lost to these splinters, and now I can blame it on him. He could be the figurehead. We must take his head.

[00:20:53] Oh my god! That's not what we signed up for! I never would've gotten in your doom buggy if I'd known you were gonna do this! No, these things just happened. I didn't sign up for it either. I didn't think your buddy was gonna become the leader. Okay. You think I wanted that? Well, then... You're kinda the one telling us that we have to do it. It's true. But I can see how that's sort of like your moral track just leaving you. Um... I have to do it for Uncle Ron. Hank, we'll... We'll go in there and help you.

[00:21:23] Um... But... We can't kill Angry Adam. Well... We must come up with a compromise. Okay. What's halfway in between killing Angry Adam and not killing Angry Adam? Um... Taking away his, um... Um... Sense of self. Um... Destroying his memories. Oh. Um... Keeping him locked up in a house with a vacuum. Denying him a career.

[00:21:53] Um... Giving him children! Um... No. It's more simpler than that. Way more simpler. Okay. What? He seemed to be enjoying the nipple shape. Uh-huh. Okay. Well, let's see how much he enjoys the nipple twisting. I want pain for pleasure. Oh. Okay. Oh. Okay. Okay. Excuse us, everybody. So, let's just get to the front so they don't kill us. Okay, everybody, hello.

[00:22:22] I'd like to address the crowd of Adam worshippers. Um, I just want you to know we are not a risk. My name is Elizabeth, and this is Margaret, and this is our friend Hank, and we are here with our friend Adam. Adam, tell them they don't need to hurt us. Yeah, no, these are my friends. Okay. You guys are cool. Adam, I need to talk to you. Uh, so Hank here, he seems, he lost a number of his community members to the splinters,

[00:22:51] and he seems to feel that now that you are the head of the splinters, that you are a threat. And you're responsible for all their past actions. Listen, I'll tell you guys straight, I really have no idea what's going on. Yeah, that is clear. I had a really long nap. No one's given me coffee. I'm still like a little, you know, I'm like still a little half asleep. They kind of cut short my calisthenics, so I feel like I didn't really get like a good start to my day. So, you know, I'm a little off today.

[00:23:20] But they did give you a bowl of gummy worms. Yeah, well no, I had that. Oh. I was in one, I was in one of my pockets. Bowl and all? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. It's in a lot of pockets. Don't worry about it. Okay. Yeah, so basically they, you know, they put me in a room, they were doing some, uh, kind of mani-pedi stuff, kind of thing. Ew! I think it was supposed to be torture, Adam. Oh, really? Yeah! That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah, they were like going around my nails. You know, I've always had very resilient fingernails.

[00:23:48] That's- I don't know if that's something I ever shared with you guys. We have tried to cut them while you're sleeping, cause you do scratch your face a lot at night. That means you eat a lot of foods that are high in keratin. Are gummy worms full of keratin? No gelatin. Hey! Hank! Settle down! I know you want to get at him, but we haven't figured out if he's a threat yet. Look! Margaret, can you just hold Hank's arms down, Margaret? Yep, yep, yep. Hey, Brianna. Come on. This guy really wants to give you a purple nirple. Just one, just one. Hey, hey man.

[00:24:17] I want to see him wince. Just once, wince. Hey man, what- Wince once! What's going on? Do you like, not like these guys? Cause I really haven't formed an opinion. They just started kinda chanting my name and uh, you know, I was just like, well, I'm still kinda tired, I don't really wanna deal with it yet, so I was just sorta waiting until I got felt more up to it. And I was probably just gonna leave. Do you guys smell that? I smell a lot of things. Can you specify? Yeah, it's a pretty stinky room.

[00:24:46] It smells like gasoline. Well- Oh yeah, there's the gas well. Uh, they mentioned something about that. There's like a big bit of gasoline. Hank, did you know about the gas well? No. Oh, I don't think you actually know much about this group, Hank. Well, no one does, okay? This could be why your success rate's so low. We're all new at this. I can't believe you put so much pressure on me. I don't know, Hank, you apparently have done this eight times. Well that's not much if you look at the big scope of things, okay? I-I guess.

[00:25:15] I mean, Angry Adam was only here for the morning and he's already like the emperor. He can change their ways. Maybe they will stop taking people into the torturous chamber and dismembering them. Oh. Maybe he can help us get our loved ones back. Ho ho ho. Okay, Adam! Yeah? Are you able to do that? Uh, I don't know. I mean, I really-they haven't like given me like any like bills to sign or like, hey, like how do you feel about like food distribution? I-I just-they just started chanting my name and then you guys walked in.

[00:25:46] Oh. Oh. And they put you on this wicker throne. That's pretty nice. Yeah. Huh. It's not looking as much as a throne as when we first walked in here as I thought. It actually looks- Adam, the gas smell is coming close- Adam, is it pooling around our- Oh! It's pooling around our feet! Oh. I see. I see what's going on. Alright. They're chanting. Oh. Oh, guys. I forgot to mention I am still tied to the chair.

[00:26:15] Oh my god! Oh no. You looked so relaxed. I thought- Adam, this seems sad! It's kind of like they have really soft ropes. It's kind of like a weighted blanket. Oh god! Hank, I'm gonna-I'm gonna free you so that you can help us untie these knots. Okay. Margaret, just slash the knots with your hook hand. I'm trying. Oh, the splinters, they're surrounding us. Oh my god! It's not my fault. I've been so relentless on my own journey of revenge. I've led us into this trap. Hank, you let revenge seep into your heart and now it's seeped into your life.

[00:26:45] Wow, I feel like we're-we're learning a lot of life lessons. But uh, can you guys like untie me? Yeah, but I'm getting out my tweezers! I'm an expert tweeze. I'm an expert-as in- Yes. As a pediatrician. We're gonna use tweezers to remove the ropes? No, the tweezers are to remove the splinters in the people's toes, remember? Oh, yes! Okay, they're coming at us with a torch- Okay, I'm gonna-I'm gonna try on this guy. Okay. Hey, what are you-what are you doing? I-I removed the splinter from your foot. Are you happy now?

[00:27:15] What the hell are you talking about? I don't think it worked. Hank! Hank! That didn't-that didn't-that didn't do anything! Oh no! I was lying all along! AHHHHH! Wait, you surprised yourself with the lie? This Hank guy's kind of a mess. Oh, jizzlesticks! Who? They're coming at us with a torch and they're gonna light us on fire! Okay, okay! Um, how do we-how do we get out of here? How do we get out of here? How do we get out of here? I-

[00:27:44] Oh, uh, oh yeah, I do have a machete in my pocket. Use it! I'm tied up! Okay, quick! Look! There's a little-there's a little tunnel right behind you, Adam! Let's just push Adam's chair! Let's just push him on the chair! I'm staying as a sacrifice for Uncle Ron! Hi Hank! See you later! Oh wow! Hank's staying as a sacrifice! Thanks Hank! I'll always love you, I guess! It's for Uncle Ron, not for use! Just get out of here! Oh! Oh!

[00:28:13] Quick, quick, push, push, push, push, push the chair! Okay! In the hole! In the hole! Just push him down the cave! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey! That's my head! Ow! Sorry! Wait! How come I had a smoother ride with my apparent kidnappers? That's all I'm gonna say! They've done this before and I only have one hand! Yeah! Okay! Come on! Wait! You're not tied to this chair! Oh! I just kinda felt like I was, I don't know.

[00:28:42] These robes, these guys are really bad at knots! Sometimes the prisons we create are actually in our minds! Uh, but sometimes they are literal. Well, yeah, sometimes they are. Yeah, but in this case, Adam, we think you were just decided you wanted to sit in the chair. Get out of the chair! We gotta go! Alright, alright. This is what happens when I take a nap in the middle of the day. It really screws me up. D- Should we- Should we go back for Hank? Um... I seem fine. To be honest- Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! Oh, hey Hank!

[00:29:11] Oh, he's here! Hey, no! I'm the last splinter! You're a splinter? Hank? Yes. You've been a splinter this- I am now the last splinter. Oh. Like you joined at the very end? Yes. To keep them- the colony alive. What- did you- Okay. They will end with me, okay? Uh- oh, okay. Okay. I escaped, but none of these splinters are getting out. Alright. I will keep these splinters in my toes- Oh! And in my eyelids. Oh! Jesus!

[00:29:42] And I will stay ornery- It's like near your brain. Ugh! And I will end this species, okay? Species? It sounds great! It's gonna- Yes, species. I will be the last one to extinct. Okay! Are the- Okay. Are the other ones dead? Yeah, did you like kill them? Yes! Oh, wow. Jesus. Holy crap, Hank! The effigy burned! Oh! Okay, you lit them on fire. That's- That makes sense. Listen, Hank, can I just talk to you over here for a second? Um... Okay, uh- Look, I know we-

[00:30:11] Maybe- maybe you're starting to have a thing, like- Maybe it was a possible romance, but- I have to say, you seem really devoted, um, to your own self-destruction in various ways. And I just- I need someone who's a little more committed to me. So- I'm a splinter now. Yeah, I- And I'm- I said there's only gonna be one. Yeah. I got it. You can't join. You can't join. No- You can't join. No, do I want to, Hank. Oh. I don't wanna join, Hank. Yeah, now that I'm being told that I can't, now I feel a little eff-

[00:30:41] You guys, let's go! Let's get- Hank, can we have this dune buggy? Yes, please, take it. Okay. Too much memories. Oh. It's all bad from here on out for me. Alright, uh, have fun with that, Hank. Uh, sounds great. Okay, well, um, enjoy your cave. It was- it was- it was very interesting to meet you. The vultures will eat my eyeballs. Yeah, wow. Within a matter of days. That's sick. That's very cool. Have fun. What a weirdo. Hank, um, goodbye?

[00:31:10] We don't say goodbye. Oh. Where I come from, we say, see you later. Alright. Oh. Okay, but if the vultures eat your eyes, I don't know that that's- I guess it's metaphorical or- Yeah, but I guess he's not being literal. Okay, let's just- let's just- let's just go, guys. Let's just- I'm not good at this metaphor. He's kinda trailing off. He's just gonna keep talking, I think. Okay. Bye! Bye, Hank. See you later. Thanks? Let's get in the- I- I think- Yes, finally. Someone thanks me. Oh, he's following us. Oh, okay.

[00:31:39] Oh, he's like continuing to talk. Okay, let's get in the- can we just get in the- let's get in the- let's get in the- let's get in the dune bucket, guys? Yeah. Yep, I'm in. Hey, did you guys hear back there how I said, ah, jizzlesticks? Does that- was that good? Should I- I'm trying to start some new, um, slang for the new world. Some new slang? That's kinda- That's kinda gross. What? Disgusting. Is it? Yeah, that- Is it? That's the- that's so gross. Jizzlesticks? Yeah, stop saying jizz. Yeah, I don't like that. Jizzle. Ew. Ew. Ew. Get jizzy with it? That's even worse.

[00:32:10] Okay. Well, where- If you don't stop, I'm turning around and going back to Hank. Oh, okay, I'll stop. Um, so, can I- can I drive the dune buggy? I'm feeling kind of empowered. Yeah, go for it. I'm kinda- I'm still kinda tired. Okay, you have a nap, and I'm gonna think about the fact that I- I walked away from a man. You did. I did, Margaret. I did. That was good. I know. You saw his red flags, and then you saw more of his red flags. And I said-

[00:32:39] And then a couple more red flags showed up. Yeah! And I was like- And then he tried to kill us. Mm-hmm. And then a couple red flags showed up, and then he joined a bunch of killers who then again tried to kill us. Mm-hmm. And then there were red flags, and you were like, mm-mm, mister, I don't think so. Yeah, I don't care if you're single, and I don't care if you're good looking. I'm- I deserve better. Yeah. It's pretty good to notice the red flags by the, uh, 16th or 17th one. Yeah. Yeah? I think it's growth, guys. I think it's growth. We're getting somewhere.

[00:33:08] Oh, angry Adam. Yeah. I'm so happy to have you back. I'm giving you a hug with my hook, and- I don't know, I kinda- I just feel like it kinda wasn't that big of a deal. So I'm on a little- little side quest. Is everybody strapped in? And, can I just say, I think it's really weird we haven't seen any zombies and- Hmm. When was the last time we saw a zombie? It must have been like, the church, right? No, wait. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, it's been a while. That's weird.

[00:33:35] It is weird, but right now, let's just drive this dune buggy through the desert and- We should get back to our fire truck and get our stuff too. Yeah, okay, let's go back to the fire truck and then continue heading west. That makes sense. Oh, Hank's still following us. Yeah, just- Drive a little faster. Yeah, okay, I got it. Just go. Just go. Yeah, no, we're going. Dang. Bye, Hank! We're trying. We're really trying. Bye! Oh, wait. Oh, okay. Just testing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of what I figured. Bye! Bye, Hank!

[00:34:05] Oh my God. Are you really gonna leave me here? Yeah. Oh my God. No, 100%. Even though I told you to. I'm Jenny. And I'm Randy. And I'm Rob. Thank you for listening to Welcome to the Apocalypse. Thank you to Jason Cabassi for this episode's listener line submission. Ah, jizzlesticks. Ah, jizzlesticks. Ah, jizzlesticks. That's dirty.

[00:34:35] We'll reveal next week's winning line and who has to read it at the end of this episode. Submit your own line suggestions. Look for submission posts on our Instagram page at Welcome to the Apocalypse Pod or the Podcastica Facebook page. If you'd like to send us any of your other thoughts and questions, you can find all our contact information at Podcastica.com. And seriously, no one has done this yet and I am literally begging you at this point. Send us anything. You heard her. Anything. She'll read it.

[00:35:04] Literally anything. It's a good day. While you're there, be sure to check out our other Podcastica shows like the Cobra Kai cast. They're covering the, I believe, final season of Cobra Kai. As we record this, I feel like these have been coming out a little bit slow, so I don't know if they're still doing it. But if you enjoy that show, you got to check out their coverage. It's great. And a special thanks to our guest, Sean, for entering the apocalypse with us. Sean, do you have anything you want to shout out? Anything you want to promote? Yeah, sure.

[00:35:34] You can check out some skits that I'm involved with called The Feather News on YouTube. And we have a website called thefeather.ca. Awesome. And do you have any social media you want people to follow? My IG is at bloody cut hand. And I feel we need to explain it's cut hand because your name is cut hand, not because you are like a serial killer. Like your name is Sean cut hand, which is why it's bloody cut hand. It could be an appropriate name. Yes.

[00:36:05] Okay. That's our show. Until next time. Welcome to the apocalypse. Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. Never going to run around and desert you. I'm going to go. Thank you.