17. Supe and the Purple River

[00:00:00] Hmm? Ah! Hmm. It gets the girl! Previously on Welcome to the Apocalypse, our friend has just been kidnapped! Do you think Adam is gonna be okay? I'm gonna show you why we're called the Splinters. Are you stabbing? Are you stabbing me with something? What? This is supposed to torture you! Alright. He is... The Unsplinterable? Oh yes. We're gonna have to go tell the boss. Adam, this is our friend Hank. Hey Hank. Hey, we're here to save you.

[00:00:30] They're coming at us with a torch and they're gonna light us on fire! I'm staying as a sacrifice. Hi Hank. See you later. Oh wow! Angry Adam, I'm so happy to have you back. I don't know, I just feel like it kinda wasn't that big of a deal. Elizabeth! Yeah? I'm sorry, I'm just not used to dune buggies. This is unusual. I mean, give me a break. Yeah, there's a lot sandier. Oh man. Oh the sand!

[00:01:00] Everywhere! But it looks like, um, that guy who helped us rescue angry Adam, I don't think he actually blew up the splinters like he said he did. What? Yeah, he seems generally pretty unreliable. Oh! Oh, they're shooting at us! What?! Oh my god, so they did it! I quit and guns for this whole time, I just thought they had splinters. This is... Oh! ...much more effective. I'll try some evasive maneuvers everyone! Hold on, I'm gonna try and, I don't know, just spit us out! Ah!

[00:01:30] Okay! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now we're facing them! Elizabeth, turn us back around! Sorry, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna drive backwards! Alright, I'm gonna, I'm gonna shoot. Wait, there's a rocket launcher back here. I'm gonna make use of that. Yeah, angry Adam! Let me just take a point. I'm gonna try and, I'm gonna ride the e-brake. Isn't that a thing that people do to spin? You're gonna ride the e-brake. And then we're gonna spin. Okay, ready? One, two, three!

[00:02:00] Let me just aim and fire. Guys, I don't know if we're gonna be able to run them. All we have ahead of us is this. It's just sand! There's just sand ahead. There's nowhere to hide. Oh, shit. Oh, god. There's one of those craters up ahead. Oh, shit. Oh! It's so sandy. I really miss having an interior cabin. Maybe, Elizabeth, just drive into the, into the crater. I don't know.

[00:02:30] Okay. It might be dangerous, but it's gotta be safer than this. Okay, okay. Alright, everybody, hang on. I'm gonna, I'm gonna drive us down the crater. Okay. Oh, god. Hold on to everything. Hold on to everything! I'm holding on to angry Adam. Okay, here we go! It looks like they're following us. No, what do they know about down here that we don't know? Uh, huh. They're up at that lip. And they're, they're staring.

[00:03:00] They look, they look kinda freaked out, actually. Okay. Huh. I'm gonna give them the middle finger. Yeah. Yeah. With your hook hand? Um... I guess it's always the middle finger. It is sorta, yeah, it's technically always the middle finger. Hey, Margaret. Have you been flipping us off this whole time? Uh, uh, not, not the whole time. It's... Well, also sometimes. Okay. There is some urgency! Can we please? Yes, of course. We gotta figure out where we're going. Okay, it looks... Okay. Look around. What are you... This is really... Ugh.

[00:03:30] Why is it so... Green? And lush! Yeah, once we got through that fog, I assumed it would just be a crater down here, but it's like a whole jungle. We've been passing all these craters and we have really just sort of not observed them meaningfully at all, huh? Okay, everybody! Just everybody be quiet! Let's listen. Huh? Let's listen to the sounds around us. The sounds of jungle. Oh. What do we hear?

[00:04:00] Animals? Yep. Yep. Is that... Lots of jungle, like, stock jungle sound effects that are, like, royalty free. Do you hear any humans? I hear birds. Yeah, there's birds. I hear something that might be a guinea pig. Oh, no. Let's not worry about that. I don't wanna address that. Do you think... Well... I mean, there's probably food and fresh water and, like... Ooh, look! Right over there! There's...

[00:04:29] There's gigantic bananas! Oh my god! How did New York turn into this? This is an oasis? How... What... Why did we spend the last week up in a... Freaking desert wasteland, guys? Yeah, it's pretty awesome in this... In this great... And why wouldn't all those other people come down here? Yeah, why'd they look so freaked out? I mean, they were kinda weird. Oh! Oh my goodness! Look at that mosquito! It's enormous! Oh, it's as big as my head! I don't like my men!

[00:04:58] Elizabeth, drive! Okay! Okay, I'm gonna drive! I'm gonna try and drive into the jungle! Okay. Wow! Oh, it got really dark. Yeah. Put the headlights on. No. Um... I know we're going into a deep, dark, scary jungle, but... Angry Adam, I'm so happy to have you back! I'll give you a hug and... I'm... I'm never gonna give you up and...

[00:05:26] I'm never gonna let you down and... I'm... I'm never gonna run around and desert you, Angry Adam. Seems like a reference, but I'll let that pass. Yeah, it's... It's Miles Davis, I think. Yeah. Good ol' Miles Davis. Yeah, he really... He's such a good performer. A jazz legend. Guys! I... I... I can't get the... I can't get the buggy through any more of this... This fauna and flora. Can we... I think... Okay, what should we do? How much... Okay, hold on. I...

[00:05:55] I know you've been running over flora, but... You said fauna. Have we been hitting, like, animals this whole time? I just presume there's a bunch of insects underneath us. Oh, okay. Oh, no. Oh. Okay. Don't... Don't look behind us. Don't look behind us. Oh, geez. Alright. No, no, no. Just get out and walk forward. We gotta go forward. We can't look back. Okay, well, we're gonna have to get out of the... The thing, since I can't look behind me. I'm gonna trust you that there's something terrifying. Yeah, just jump... Just jump through this... This front.

[00:06:23] Okay, just tuck your pants into your socks. Oh, yeah, we don't wanna get ticks. Because we don't want ticks. Nah, I wouldn't... I wouldn't get ticks. I wouldn't get ticks, Bart. Oh, look, I got one. Oh. Is this a tick? Look at this thing. It's the size of a hockey puck. Yes. Huh. I wonder. Let me take a... It kinda smells like an Uncrustable. Nope, eh? No angry at him. Why not? Oh my god, I guess we're pretty hungry. Okay.

[00:06:51] Anything's looking good right now, so... Alright, let's walk into the jungle, because you say there's something terrifying behind us that I'm not allowed to look at. Nah, I just think you'll feel bad. Oh, because I murdered a bunch of plants? They look pretty... And animals? Yeah. Some very likable looking furry creatures. No, no, very likable looking plants. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Plants, plants, plants. Plants. There was a couple flowers I think you got. Yeah. Whew! Alright, follow me, guys. I'm gonna chop through some of these bushes and branches.

[00:07:22] The hook? Maybe we can... That's... Yeah. That's a really sharp hook. Well, yeah, I... I should sharpen it every night, every chance I get. Yeah, Elizabeth, we should talk about Margaret. She keeps getting up in the middle of the night and just sort of staring off in the distance, mutting herself, sharpening her hook. I thought she was getting up to pee because she has an old lady bladder. I think she's a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B in that one. Oh. Okay, well, maybe we should... Hey, guys! Well, yeah. What are you talking about? No, nothing.

[00:07:51] Just how much you pee, Margaret. Just... Hey, uh, I got some machetes, uh, if we all wanna help. Yeah. Okay, thanks. Yeah, let's work though. Yeah, I think this is a machete-friendly environment. Can we just... Can I just clarify? Yeah. So we're just hacking our way through the jungle. We're looking for fresh water. Yeah. Water is the most important building block of human life. Okay. That and self-respect. Okay. We're trying to figure out if this is maybe a place that's safe or like... I don't know. I'm just kinda spitballing. I'm headed toward those giant bananas.

[00:08:21] You guys, you know, you guys do like the big picture thinking. I'm just kinda, you know, I'm just, I'm just going forward. Okay, well, uh, remove the bananas and then maybe Margaret will regroup and figure out what the fuck we're doing. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I just want a banana. It's been so long. Ahem. Oh, shh, shh, you guys. Ahem. Did you guys hear something? Ah, this did not sound like a puke. Quick, get down, get down, get down. Shhh, shhh. Um, hello? Hello? Uh? Do you have a lozenge?

[00:08:50] A lozenge? What? Actually I do, yeah. I have some. Do you want a lozenge or a cough drop? Yeah. Uh, both are fine. It's sort of a regional style thing. Um, okay, hold on! Just a second! Where are you? Can you come out? We can't see you. I don't see you. Um... I'm a little bit shy. Oh. Okay, well my name's Elizabeth. Do you, do you live here in the, in the jungle? Yeah.

[00:09:18] My appearance kind of startles people. Oh. So if you can just throw the lozenge from there, I'll catch it in my mouth. Oh, okay. Uh. Angry Adam, do you, can you share one of your New York style lozenges? Yeah. Should, can I like, get like a little bit of guidance as to the sort of vague direction I should be throwing this lozenge? Yeah, could you like raise your hand? Just give us a little bit of a sign, dear. Where are you? Uh, here, I'll just wave really quick. Uh. Wait, did you-

[00:09:48] I know. Sorry, it's a lot of hair. That was very hairy hair. That was, it was so big. Did we find Sasquatch? I'm angry Adam. Yeah. Focus. You gotta throw the cough drop over there. Let me just toss. And bang. Sasquatch! Wow. Holy cow! It disappeared. Thank you. Wow. I feel better already. Oh wow. Oh, I did give her one of the fast acting ones. Can we have a- That was kind of- They dissolve in like half a second.

[00:10:17] Can we have a sidebar? Oh, okay. Sorry. Okay. Um, so- So there's a giant hairy lady in the woods? Yeah, that seems to be what's happening. Why are we, why are we sidebarring about it? I mean, it seems like we haven't figured out. I just- I just- I don't know what we're planning to do. Should we- Should we- I mean, she has a kind voice. Yeah. And you know what? Some women do develop a lot of hair growth. Uh, you know, paramenopause phase, so- You know, I can hear you. Oh! Oh!

[00:10:46] You have a- I can hear all of that. Okay. Sorry, we're really bad at doing sidebarring- We should have at least like walked away for this one. Yeah, you're like right here. You didn't even move. I think we walked closer. I think we've gotten sort of used to just people, you know. Even in some weird life or death situations where people have still respected the sidebar, so, you know. You just sort of get used to it, I guess. Um, dear, my name's Margaret.

[00:11:15] I know I- I do have a hook for a hand. It's really sharp. Don't be alarmed. It's kind of glinting in the, uh- Oh, so you know what it's like to have people stare at you. I do. I do. And, believe me, it can be tough, but there's no reason to stay hidden away from the world all the time. Maybe- maybe you could come out and- Okay, I'm gonna run out and then I'm gonna run back in. What? Are you gonna run?

[00:11:43] Just really fast, and then if you get too startled then I'll- I'll be gone again in two seconds. Okay. Okay. I mean, I gotta say she seems like a very considerate view. Can we just take a quick moment? Let's not assume her gender or her mutation, Elizabeth. Okay, okay, okay. No, I just did it. I said her. Ugh. I'll- I'll learn this. Okay, okay. I think we're- we're ready. Okay, when you run out, could you also tell us your pronouns? Oh, okay.

[00:12:12] Um, okay. Okay. Um, okay. Okay. All right. I think I'm more concerned about the pronouns now than you guys seeing me. It's okay, um, you know, you could just- Yeah, you don't have- you don't have to decide, like, you need to, like, think about it. You could just tell us your name when you run out. Yeah, that'll- that'll probably help us. Okay, ready? Yeah. We're ready. Yeah, I've been ready for, like, the past minute. One, two, three. Super fast ninja monkey person. Fuck! Whoa! Whoa!

[00:12:43] That's my name. That's my name. Super fast ninja monkey person. Yeah, you can shorten it if you want. I don't like shortening names. Some people say it's too long. Okay. Soup. Um, wow, that- yeah, guys, that really didn't narrow down the gender thing. But maybe I'm- I'm- I'm overly focusing on the genitals. Oh. Let's, um- oh, alright, I wasn't- I wasn't gonna comment on that. Okay, did you see the genitals? Because they ran very quickly. Uh, from what I did see, they appear to be very tall.

[00:13:13] Yup. Uh, very fast. A lot of hair. A lot of hair. Uh, and a monkey person. Um, yep. You forgot ninja. And a ninja- Yeah, super fast monkey ninja person. It seems pretty simple to me, honestly. I don't know why you guys are having so much trouble with this. Okay, um, excuse me, super fast ninja. Ninja- Monkey person. Yeah, uh, soup. Soup. Soup is so- Super fast ninja monkey person. It- it takes them a little bit to get the full long name sometimes.

[00:13:42] I had- we had this whole thing with Angry Adam where they were just calling me Adam. And, you know, I get it. He's angry Adam. I'm angry Adam, not Adam. But she said she was okay with nicknames. And I kinda like soup. Um, soup, I don't think we were that freaked out by you, honestly. We've- we've seen some things in this apocalypse. Um, I think you could come out slower. I mean, if you- if you want, you could back- back in after.

[00:14:09] Yeah, I think I- I think I saw you for about, like, one nanosecond. So, I don't know if I have, like, a complete picture. Okay, so I'll come out tail first because the most startling thing, I think, is probably that I have three tails. Oh. And, uh, the second is the hair. Are you coming out all three tails first or do they come out of different spots? They come out first, kind of like, um, like- like snakes. Oh, alright.

[00:14:38] I- I don't- I don't know if that clarified much. I think it just added more mystery. Yeah, tails are- tails are, like, pretty snake-like, sorta, always. Okay, okay, guys, give her some space. Yeah. Come on out, soup. Okay, here I come. Okay. Look at those snakey tails. Yeah, they're really, really wrinkle. Wow, you're- you have very beautiful hooves, too. Thank you.

[00:15:06] I- did you paint it red? Yeah, okay, here- here come my shoulders. Oh! Your shoulders! Okay, here comes my head. Um, you are here. You are beautiful! Yes! Thank you. So, soup, have you always lived in this crater jungle, or how did you come to be?

[00:15:30] Well, I have vague memories of being human, but nothing past, like, the age of five, and then I drank this purple water. What? I was really thirsty. Wait, was the purple water in this crater? Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay, so, let's note that. Yeah. Let's not- not that- not that there's anything wrong with, you know, a person who drank the

[00:15:53] purple water and the sort of- you- you- you look- you are, and- and so, and because you look- oh, somebody, please save me. Yeah, Margaret, you're on your own in this one. You're gonna have to finish this sentence. Okay, so you were- you were a child when- when- like, we're just confused because this used to be New York City. Like, we're pretty sure. I'm pretty sure this is New York City, like, like a couple months ago. Oh.

[00:16:23] Well then. I guess. Maybe I was five years old, like, a few months ago. It's possible. And I just aged so fast. Well, the purple water- I mean- Yeah. Wait, but how- how old are you now? Maybe I'm still five. Okay, guys, if this is a child, we need to approach this differently. We do. Okay. Hello, sweetheart. Can you show me where you found the purple water? Let's go to the source. Maybe there'll be some answers there.

[00:16:53] I feel like we're talking down to SuperfastNinjaMonkeyPerson and I don't really like that. Okay. Exceptional hearing. Alright, Soup, can you show us where you found the water? Sure. That would be really great. Is that better, Adam? If I speak like that? Yes, it was, Alyssa. Is that how I talk to adults? Well, I think I'm an adult. I just aged very rapidly. Oh. And the hair all came out at once? Yeah, that was all overnight. Were the tails there before?

[00:17:23] They were one tail before. Ah, so you did- you had one tail before mutation. I see. Yeah. Oh, you were one of the rare people born with tails. It does happen sometimes, though. It does. It does. I've seen it in the hospital and usually parents opt to operate, but I guess Soup's parents chose not to. Hey, uh, I don't know. This might, you know, seem like a weird question, but were you a monkey before and now you're a monkey person? No, I- I remember people memories. Oh. I remember.

[00:17:52] Yeah, I- I also refer to my- my human memories as people memories, so I think- I think she's, uh, she's a human. What sorts of things do you remember? Like going to the ice cream shop and getting ice cream. That sounds like a child memory. Yeah, it does sound like a child memory. Okay, can we just go to the source of the water? I- I feel like that there might be some answers to it. Yeah, let's- let's go see this. Yeah. Yeah, alright. Can- can you lead us there? Yeah, super fast ninja monkey person.

[00:18:22] Uh, I mean, it seems like you have some pretty good claws. You probably don't need a machete to cut your way through. Not with these three foot long claws of mine. Oh, that's unfortunate. That seems unwieldy. My hooves don't help you. Okay, should I start going straight or should I go left or right? I just wanna- I just wanna get us moving, guys. Well, there is a street that'll take us right to it. A street? A street. A street, yeah. Oh. It's like the only street that survived. Oh, wow. Is it Broadway?

[00:18:51] It's more of a little chunk of sidewalk. Oh, yeah, no, look. There's just been a street like this whole time. We really need to sort of work on a peripheral vision. Hey guys, I think this is Fifth Avenue. I've always wanted to go to Fifth Avenue. I think it might be missing some of the- the things that made Fifth Avenue appealing. Well, I think Fifth Avenue was more of an attitude than a thing. Hmm. Okay. Alright. Um, Soup, is there anything we should look out for as we're headed down this road?

[00:19:19] Well, don't eat any of the fruit. Oh, Margaret- Uh-oh. Get that banana out of your hands! Well, I- What about bugs that smell like Uncrustables? You can eat those. Ah, awesome. Cause as I said that, I had taken a bite. That was my second banana. The fruit's bad, but the bugs are good. I knew it. Okay. Okay, they're just bad. Okay. I knew it. You're always telling me what I can and can't eat, but it looks like Margaret ate the wrong thing this time. Hey! Grumble.

[00:19:50] Grumble. Grumble. I've just been bit. While I go deal with my wound, listen to these ads. Oh, good. I've bandaged myself up. Back to the show! Is that- up ahead, I think I see a shimmering pond. A purple pond coming up ahead. Just move these trees out of the way. Yeah. Oh, yep. Yep. Wow! It is purple.

[00:20:19] That's real purple. It's a nice color. Okay, wait. There's a sign over here. What does it say? The sign says, New New York Reservoir. Huh? Was this the New York water supply? No. It can't be. Why would the sign lie? Hmm. That's true, Angry Adam. Can signs lie? Here. I'm gonna give you an example. I'm gonna write something down on a piece of paper here. Alright, it says the sun is purple.

[00:20:49] And I'm gonna put it right here. Like a sign. Yeah, but that's not a real sign because you wrote it on a piece of paper. The sign that says New York City Reservoir is made of metal. Oh. And it has that same font that governments have. I don't trust it. Well, okay. Well, anyway, I'm just trying to solve the mystery with science. Oh, yes, science. That's lame. We should solve the mystery with our intuition and gut feelings. Don't drink it, Angry Adam. I was only thinking about it.

[00:21:18] Soup, are you alone down here? Are there other super fast ninja monkey persons? Well, there can only be one. Otherwise, they'd have a different name. Yeah, it's just me that looks like this. There's a few people with scales and some giant animals. Can somebody help me open this can of pop? I've been trying for like 20 minutes. Oh, yeah. My nails are too long. I got you. So, here you go. Thank you.

[00:21:48] Anytime super fast ninja monkey person. Do you also need help holding the can? Those claws are very unwieldy. You want to put it in like a cup of some kind? Maybe a bowl? Maybe if you could just pass me a straw. Yeah, yeah. I do have this really fun like novelty straws that I like carrying around. Adam, what don't you have on you? I shouldn't answer that. Okay. That'll make our future lives harder if I answer that.

[00:22:15] None of you seem as committed to solving this mystery as I am. Mystery? So, I'm just gonna go and figure it out on my own. I mean, I think it makes perfect sense. She drank the purple water. You turned into super fast ninja monkey person. I mean, where's the... What's the problem? But how did the water get purple angry, Adam? Or was New York City always this disgusting? I just... Guys, I feel like something in the air here is making us act a little sure.

[00:22:45] Strange. I think it's because you ate those bananas much. It's probably the bananas that you ate that we explicitly told you you shouldn't eat. So it's not the air. No, it's not the air at all. Margaret, maybe you should lie down. Yeah. I'm... Yep. And I'm gonna go inside this building. Okay. Yeah, bring Soup with you for protection. Okay. Angry Adam. Yeah. You... can you guard me with your... Oh god, I don't feel good. And Margaret's passed out. Alright.

[00:23:14] Soup, let's go inside this building. Let's go inside this water. New York City Water Reserve Building. Okay, I'm coming. Can you... You're gonna have to bend because the doorways are not made for people of your height. Okay. I know. It's a very ableist society. Alright, great. Look, look over here. Hey, can you see a light switch or anything? No, but I found these matches. Can you... Can you light them? These claws are impossible. Sure. Do you want me to give you a manicure later? Maybe? Uh... I could trim them down and... Sure.

[00:23:44] Help me out. Okay. Um... Alright, so I'm gonna just... Like the magic... Oh, okay. Oh, there's a notebook. Okay. I'm gonna get these notebooks. Can you just like... Can you... I'm gonna climb up your shoulders. Can you just pick me up and... I see... I see some things on a shelf up there. Can you just... Okay, just hold on to the horn. Oh! You're gonna fall off. Oh my god, you're the horn. Yeah. Right up there. Okay. How much of this water did you drink? I kinda started bathing in it after a while. Oh! Okay.

[00:24:14] It's the only source of water, so... Oh my god. Okay. Alright. Um, okay, just put me down! Ah! Okay. I've got... Okay, he's got my arms full of some recordings here and... Alright. Oh, okay. Okay, Margaret. Uh, excuse me. Uh, yeah? Those are my notebooks. Uh, who are you? Not me. I'm... Super fast... Ninja... Wall person. Oh my god, you are.

[00:24:43] You're in the wall. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I was just gonna read the notebooks, but maybe you can just tell me what's in them. Do they contain the secrets of what happened to New York City? I was hoping there'd be some sort of a diary or some sort of like a... Yeah. They contain all of the secrets. I... Oh, let me tell you. I've been... Oh! Oh god. Oh no. I think... I think being a wall is finally catching up to me and I'm dying. I'm... Oh my god, before you could tell me what happened?

[00:25:12] Yeah, before I could tell you what happened, I am dead. Ugh. Oh my god, I really don't like this jungle at all. Okay, uh, let's get out of here. That was terrifying and extremely weird and I've seen all kinds of medical mysteries and that one really takes the cake. Okay, Adam! Yeah? Margaret! Yep. Oh, Margaret's so late. Yeah, I feel better now that I threw up. Oh, you just kinda slept it off? Okay. Soop and I found some... Uh, we found a man. He had turned into a wall. No.

[00:25:41] Uh, he died right in front of our eyes. There she goes again, angry Adam. She's always talking about the man in the walls. I don't know what that's about. Yeah. I've never seen one. We found a man, he was in the wall, um, and he had these soap books and uh... Oh. I'm gonna read them. He said they contained all the secrets of the universe. No, sorry, just the secrets of what happened in New York. That's great. Oh, did you know him, Soop? No. Oh, okay. No, I'd be on that wall every day. He never said a word. That was...

[00:26:11] Really, I guess he... Yeah. Really weird vibes now. Oh, probably good he died. Sounds like he was a pervert. Yeah. No, you're right. That is good that he died. Okay. Let's open these notebooks. Okay, um, this one here says, March 31st. Yeah. The sky is darkening. Okay. Okay. Yeah. That's, uh, to happen when it rains. It doesn't really tell us about. Okay. Uh, okay, let's go ahead. Uh, April, April 2nd, more people are being eaten alive.

[00:26:40] Okay, so maybe... This is like zombie time. Zombies. Uh, and then it says here, can't go on. Yeah. Uh, it says... He said, I mean, he did keep writing so he could go on, but anyways. Well, yeah, he said, can't go on, but must make a record. It says here, the zombies have taken over New York. Yeah. Uh, I'm the last one here. I know water is one of the building blocks of the human body. Oh, wow. That's what you said earlier.

[00:27:10] It is. I know. He has a very similar cadence to you. That's kind of interesting. Uh, must keep the water supply going. Must sacrifice by self for the water? What? What? Okay, but... Oh no, it says here, everyone has fled. The government is going to drop a bomb, they said. We have six hours to leave. What? That's not... That's not a lot of that. Wait, let me see that. Let me see that.

[00:27:35] Yes, it says they're dropping an experimental bomb that should stop the zombies, but shouldn't kill people? That's... That's not how bombs work. I mean... Well, I mean, I guess it was an experiment. Look, look... Yeah, further in it says it didn't work the way we thought it would work. Yeah. That is typically how these sort of experiments go. This is why you can't trust science. You just gotta kinda feel it out. So we as a people did this to ourselves.

[00:28:05] Is this like a metaphor or something? I don't know, but I think it explains what happened in New York. It got blown up by an experimental bomb, and that's why everything is weird and mutated here? Maybe. Soup, does any of this make sense to you? Um, I don't really have any memories beyond being five. Everything after that was just kind of two long months of surviving and aging rapidly. I've actually aged five years since we've been sitting here. Oh. Oh, no.

[00:28:35] Oh, jeez. Oh, Lord, you're aging so rapidly. Soup, this just sounds like a... probably a traumatizing time in your... all of your life, I guess. Are you... are you okay? Well, I've been holding it together pretty well this whole time, I think. Yeah. I survive off of the purple water. Sometimes I make slushies. Oh, nice. And I think that makes me age faster. But they're really good. They're like... if it smells grapey...

[00:29:04] Oh, okay. Um, it kinda tastes grapey. I mean, it's purple, so I would imagine it would be grape flavored. Yeah. But it's aging you quicker every time you have it. Yeah. Hmm. You don't... you don't, like, maybe see a problem with your... your behavior? Consumption habits. You know what, Margaret? She doesn't have much to reflect. I mean... And aging is fine. It's a... I mean, it's a... natural... Natural... I mean, nothing is natural. Shh! She can hear you! I know.

[00:29:34] Uh, Soup, we've missed quite a few of your birthdays. Uh, would you like us to sing right now? You want us to sing happy birthday five times in a row? Uh, just... just once is fine, but, um, at the end, it's a... times five. Alright. Happy birthday to you! Times five.

[00:29:53] Happy birthday to you! Times five! Oh, yeah. Why'd you say it again? That's the wrong song. Alright. Do we have to, like, start a little bit? I'm... I'm... I'm more depressed than I was before. Yeah. Oh, God. Sorry. I'm sorry. That was more of a dirge than a song. Sorry.

[00:30:23] Well, here's the thing, guys. I think we need to get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really think this jungle is the place we want to be. It seems a little... People are... I mean, everyone we're meeting is dying, like, immediately. Um... But I will say, I mean, it isn't our fault this time. That's kinda nice. It's never our fault. It's just coincidence. Yeah. You know what? You're right. Yeah. Life happens. Life happens. Sometimes faster to people around us.

[00:30:51] Soup, would you like to come with us out of the crater? Oh, don't... Don't say that. I... I don't want that. I just... Oh, you don't like super fast ninja monkey person? I just think we have enough... Is that what you're saying, Elizabeth? You're saying you hate this freak? That's what you're saying? No! I'm just saying, we could barely handle it with George and his family. How could we handle this? Hmm. Yeah, you have to clip my hooves like every two days. You have to clip those every two days? Yeah.

[00:31:20] I can't do it myself because of these claws. Okay, well, I'm gonna give you a manicure and then we're gonna go. I think we're gonna... I mean... Can you sand down my horn, please? Are you sure you guys... Margaret, you still wanna bring her along? Yeah, I have a circular sander. Just give me a second. Let me pull this out. Okay, let's do a makeover. We'll do a makeover. Let's do a makeover. Okay, so here. Here, this would be like a makeover montage. Yeah. Yeah. Here I am, cutting your nails. Doop, doop, doop.

[00:31:48] And I'm putting lipstick on your very hairy lips. I'm doing like the hair curler thing, but it's like your whole body. Can I trim a little bit around, um... You know, like I just want you to have a nice clean bum for when you, you know, I don't want you to get sick. Oh yeah, get both of them. Yeah, oh, get two bums. Okay, yeah, so we're gonna clean you up. I'm putting some eyeshadow on your very hairy eyeballs.

[00:32:16] You don't put that eyeshadow on the eyeballs, Margaret! You put it on the eye lids! I'm not wearing my glasses, sorry. Okay, now we've got your nails down to a regular size, we have your hooves trimmed, we've got your horn circulosawed. We got that paint-covered shawl you were wearing off and we took your pigtails down and... Oh my! You are... Um... It's... You... We did, I think we did the best we could. We did!

[00:32:45] You are... You are... You are beautiful. Sure. You know what? If you peed on a living wall now, I bet it'd say something. Soup, how do you feel? Look in the... Look in the water and see your reflection. It's real purple, it's not gonna come out that clear. Uh... Ooh! You don't like it? It's just, I don't like this shade of lipstick. Oh. Uh oh. It's... It's all we have.

[00:33:14] It's like old lady lipstick. Oh! I'm sorry, um, it's... Yeah, yeah, it's old lady lipstick, damn it. I'm just, I'm not hip, I don't know what to tell you. That's alright, that's alright, I'll make do. Dying soon anyways. Oh no! Well, at least you'll leave a beautiful corpse. Uh... Sorry, I'm trying to look on the bright side! I mean, she's killing herself with those slushies. Yeah, she's drinking one right now. So... Oh no!

[00:33:44] Look at... She's getting so old! The hair's turning white. Oh no! Where did this bingo dabber come from? I mean, at least does the lipstick make sense now? It... it does. Is the color starting to kinda peel more? A little bit. You know what? This does look good. Nice! Yes, see? I think I did. I'm definitely elderly now. I'm elderly now. Okay, well, Sup, let's lie you down next to your beloved purple water. Um...

[00:34:12] Do you want us to cover you with leaves or...? If you could just kick some... Kick some dirt on me. Oh! What? Let's lovingly... I'm gonna lovingly kick the dirt. Can... Should we wait for her to die before... Nah, I think... I think by the time... Can you sing? Can we sing what? Sing something else for me. What? Oh, I know! We used to sing this at the end of Girl Guide meetings. Day is done... From the sun...

[00:34:41] From the lakes, from the hills, from the sky... All is well... Safely rest... And in a little song... God is nigh... It's called Paps. I think it's a... A military funeral song. Oh... We're giving Sup military honors? It's the only song for funerals that I know! Super fast ninja monkey person. You would have been great in a war. Oh... Sup? Are you still with us?

[00:35:12] I'm still here. Oh... Do you think this is gonna take much longer because I really... You just need a different song. That one sucked. Um... Uh... Um... Well, it's like a funeral song. Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna turn around! And desert you! Well... Oh... I mean... Never gonna say goodbye! Oh, well... Oh, I think... Is she dead?

[00:35:42] I don't know. Give her a little jostle of the shoulder. Yeah, I'm gonna kick her a little. I think we killed her with the Rick Astley. Oh no! At the... No, it's Miles Davis. Oh, right. Oh, right. Miles Davis. I'm gonna back alive for one moment to say... You guys are leaving me and you just said you never would. I know! That song sucked. Oh, God. We mean in our hearts! We mean emotionally! We mean... Metaphorically! We'll think of you, probably.

[00:36:12] Yeah, Soup, we're gonna think of you every day. We're also really, really hungry, so if you could... I don't know, finish your slushie and we could like go get some food and... Not to... You know, it's your life. I don't want to rush you. But yeah, this is taking a while and we do have places to be... Yeah, I thought you were like dying really fast. What happened? Let me just drink the bottom of it. Alright. Can you... Can you pour it into my mouth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh shit. Yeah, yeah. Just... Oh, oh, here.

[00:36:44] Smack the bottom. Yep. Get it off. Yep. Here we go. Okay. Got it. Thank you. Oh. I died now. Oh. No, no. Oh, okay. Wow, that was very... Oh, she's... Oh god. There's so much vomit coming out. Oh! Okay! Alright! We gotta go! Get out of there! Run! Alright, bye, Soup! Seeing her through what made me want to throw... Oh god, okay.

[00:37:13] Okay, um, can we just... Can we just get out of the freighter now? Yeah, I don't think it's safe down here. No, I really... I mean, what an interesting experience that was. But I mean, I really think that we... As much as I hate to say it, I think we were better off up top with... With my mother and the smithies and the splinters and the... I feel like it's a... It's a world we understand. Yeah. I mean, yeah, like, they were trying to kill us, but... Super fast Ninja Monkey person was...

[00:37:42] It was a lot. It was a lot to take in. It was a lot! Okay, well, goodbye, Jungle! Um, okay, we have to figure out how to get the dune buggy out of the woods. Yeah. Or should we just abandon it and walk? No. No. Okay. No, I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, that would be exhausting. Okay. Goodbye, Soup! We'll always remember how frightening you were. I always imagine going to New York and meeting really interesting people.

[00:38:10] I do think New York paid off in that way. We were on Fifth Avenue and we met a real freak, which is kind of what you want out of New York, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yep, we went to New York, we met a child, and we watched the mage and die. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Just like Home Alone 2. Yeah, this is exactly like the plot of the movie Home Alone 2. Okay, oh, wow, guys, um, we're gonna need to find a therapist, I think. What? Maybe the next person you run into will be a parent. Nah, I'm good.

[00:38:40] You're so strong, Adam. I know. Okay, who wants to drive up the hill? I'm already hitting the gas. Alright, here we go! Off to our next adventure. Alright. Woo! I'm Jenny. And I'm Randy. And I'm Rob. And thank you for listening to Welcome to the Apocalypse. Thank you to Megan Dively-Leman for the episode's listener line submission. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Voting Miles Davis. Mm-hmm.

[00:39:11] Yeah, thanks for Rickrolling us, Megan. We'll reveal next week's winning line and who has to read it at the end of this episode. To submit your own line suggestions, look for submission posts on our Instagram page at Welcome to the Apocalypse Pod or the Podcastica Facebook page. I don't know why I say this every time because no one's ever done it, but if you'd like to send us any of your other thoughts and questions, you can find all our information at podcastica.com. I will write you back.

[00:39:40] I will write you longhand. I will write you a personal letter. Incursive? Incursive! With a Canadian chocolate bar! Come on! Oh, wow! Okay, the gauntlet's been thrown down, people. You gotta send us a letter. While you're at Podcastica, make sure to check out our other Podcastica shows. I think by the time this episode is coming out, we'll probably be starting in on the White Lotus podcast. Woo!

[00:40:05] Welcome to the White Lotus, which I am featured on with Podcastica godfather Jason and his wife Jenny. So, if you're checking out that show, come check that out with us. Special thanks to our guest, Cheyenne, for entering the apocalypse with us. Do you have like an Instagram page or anything like that that's for public consumption? Oh yeah, just add me, follow me on my socials at Cheysab on Instagram, Cheyenne Sab on Facebook,

[00:40:34] and T-Cheypie at TikTok. You have so many followers. Yeah. Well, kind of. Yeah. Yeah. I have a decent amount of followers. Some modesty here. Cheyenne is a pretty big deal. That's our show. Until next time. Welcome to the apocalypse. Next time on Welcome to the Apocalypse. This is totally wizard, and everybody uses that phrase.