5. Our Survivors and the Shopping Spree

[00:00:00] 2. our Hogwarts No! Previously, Unwelcome to the Apocalypse Look out the window you guys! It's a mall! Maybe I could get a third leather jacket Hello? You're alone? Yeah, my parents were here but they left and said they would come back

[00:00:21] What are we going to do about this child who has no parents in the apocalypse? Are we ready for a kid? It'd be like a little me, another angry ass Oh my god, are we gonna do this? Are we gonna be parents? Excuse me?

[00:00:37] What are you doing with my son? Daddy, I'm so happy to see you I mean as much as we were ready for parenthood, like I think we dodged a bullet I do like one idea he had Let's stay here tonight Yeah, maybe we could watch a movie

[00:01:00] I am sorry Yerefer Our love cannot be If you close your bakery The orphanage will also close I don't care I love you too much I love you too I love you too, I will be open That's just a beautiful movie I'm so glad you suggested this Elizabeth

[00:01:24] Well, you know, I just thought why would I let a whole movie theater go to waste? You know it's been so long since I sat in a big dark theater and let the magic of Hollywood roll over me I didn't really get it Nobody got shot

[00:01:39] It was a romcom Yeah, but like you know there's no backflips, no explosions Just explosions of emotion Beautiful explosions of emotion Where do you think Jennifer Lawrence is now? Like right now, do you think she's a zombie?

[00:01:59] Just so weird seeing her on the screen and then knowing that maybe she's a zombie I suspect she's still doing okay She's a tough one Yeah, she was in the hungry games right? Kind of, yeah She's pretty good at surviving situations

[00:02:17] That was a movie, I don't think she really did all the things that her character did But it was on... I saw it, it was on the screen Okay, you know what I think maybe we should get some real food

[00:02:31] Do you think we should head over to that new member, Margaret? You wanted to try out that Panda Express? I do, I've always wanted to work there Maybe I can cook you guys up something delicious Sure Let's head over

[00:02:44] Angry Adam, why did you sit so far away from us? Yeah, you were so far, you were just right at the back I just preferred to... If I experience any emotion that I am able to keep on Wait a minute, what is... Oh my, were you crying?

[00:03:05] No, no I would never I don't know what that means Let's come on angry What's crying? I don't even know what it is Let's go fill your belly and we'll talk about what you felt during this movie

[00:03:21] Honestly Adam, I mean I really do think that with Margaret and I you should feel okay to be vulnerable Being vulnerable means getting dead Well, okay we'll work on it Okay Margaret what are you gonna make us? Alright, I'm looking at the ingredients we have back here

[00:03:42] We have bags of frozen Kung Pao Chicken Is it still frozen? Um, yeah actually Oh no, no it's just hard Oh, no, okay let me check this fridge, this fridge is still on Okay, um... It's really small, it's still very operational It's weird

[00:04:06] There's one gas generator powering this whole thing I don't know enough about gas generators but I do know something about these gas stoves Maybe it was like a V8 or something, no those babies could burn Isn't V8 a juice?

[00:04:22] Well, it's a juice and it's also a very powerful engine In a way, juice can be an engine for your body if you think about it That's true, V8 was something I often gave patience in the hospital Ow, my blouse caught on fire Margaret!

[00:04:44] Put it out with these two pan lids Margaret! It's been a while since I've been in the kitchen Yeah, Margaret, I'm gonna run and find you a new top, okay? You guys just keep cooking I'm gonna go here, goodbye Oh, Adam can I have one of those guns?

[00:05:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, they take this one Thanks Alright, well I hope both of you like Um, what am I making here? Sush One Chicken It looks like it's gonna be very spicy so Here we go I'm making it too spicy, I'm a little, it's a little sensitive

[00:05:21] Oh, okay, well I'll make a mild version as well Okay Don't miss out on our break-in Yeah, sorry, I just got distracted There's a store that sells nothing But Christmas tree decorations Which is just weird if you think about it

[00:05:36] Anyway, yeah, are we ever gonna have Christmas again? Anyway, I did pick you up this very nice Christmas sweater It's a Christmas, it's a Christmas blouse I figure, you know, it looks warm and cozy And there's these cute little reindeer

[00:05:53] And then, oh, but there's some bells on the bottom So maybe we'll just cut those off I don't want you to, you know, attract any zombies Don't wanna attract any cats either No, I don't know Do you think cats can be zombies?

[00:06:07] Like are the animals in our, have you seen any animals out there? I don't know that I've seen many animals I haven't seen an animal in a while Everything I've seen, I've seen with the two of you Basically, here, sit, eat, here's some food Oh, thank you

[00:06:24] Yes, do either of you know how to use chopsticks? I do, I do because I, actually when I was in high school I did a semester in Japan And yeah, I know it was really amazing I got to live with this family

[00:06:39] And they insisted that I live very traditionally So I did, the rest of the family had forks But I had chopsticks And if I didn't know how to use them, I didn't eat So I learned quick Is using chopsticks anything like using the weapon nunchucks?

[00:06:55] Because if so, I think we're good Otherwise... They're similar, here, I... You can just stab the chicken with the chopstick Oh, stab it, yeah, yeah, yeah I know all about that So how did everybody, how did everybody sleep last night?

[00:07:12] I had a pretty good, I had a pretty good rest I put my tent up on a mattress in the mattress store So I like had a tent and I was on the mattress It was so cozy I like it rugged

[00:07:25] I took my tent up to the roof Slept into the stars Whoa Thought about stuff Did you see anything out there? Like UFOs? Like all the aliens No, I'm kidding, Angry Adam I meant did you notice anything out in the parking lot?

[00:07:41] Seemed like a good time to, you know Do some surveillance while you're up there Nah, I was too busy being pensive Oh, okay Just thinking about my time on the road Being a drifter Sort of existential weight of Driving a fire truck

[00:08:02] What did you do before the apocalypse, Angry Adam? Did I do? Well Were you employed? Before there was Angry Adam There was another guy His name was just Regular Adam What did you say the full thing? Regular, regular Adam Yeah, I called myself Regular Adam

[00:08:32] And what was Regular Adam's job? Regular Adam It was an account Really? Huh, did you go to school? Oh yeah, you know I'm fully college educated You're like a CPA? Yeah, I have a degree in law and mathematics Adam, were you like married

[00:08:59] And house and kids and stuff or? Oh yeah, I had a wife, I had kids and all that stuff You did? Yeah, yeah What were their names, Adam? Well it was Tanya And then it was Lizzie and then Josh But Josh was pretty annoying

[00:09:22] I'm not really missing them that much Angry Adam, what happened to them all? You know, it goes a little hazy Yeah Did you kill them? I don't think so Okay good, because I just had this horrible feeling That maybe you went crazy, when all the zombies started coming

[00:09:49] And then you shot them and then you got a bunch of guns And then burnt your house down I was on my way back from the Whole Foods Okay Wait, Angry Adam, you shopped at a Whole Foods I did, but hey, no, correction

[00:10:09] Angry Adam did not shop at a Whole Foods Regular Adam Regular Adam, shopped at the Whole Foods So you were on your way home from the Whole Foods And then what happened? It just, my house was empty And then the news came on

[00:10:25] And it was all about the zombies The world had ended And I said, wow, that's pretty bad And then I kind of blacked out I came to And I said, Regular Adam You ain't built for this Angry Adam Angry Adam is built for this

[00:10:54] So you never found out what happened to your family? No That was Regular Adam's family Oh wow, you are good at compartmentalizing That's very sad Yeah, I try not to think about it We have so much time, do you want to look for them?

[00:11:16] Yeah, I mean, you know, they're on the way Maybe we'll see, but I don't know I mean, Tanya was married to Regular Adam I don't know if she used to love Angry Adam That's a very good point

[00:11:35] To be honest, I think I'd have a hard time loving you too I mean, I love you like a brother I love you like a brother, but I'm not sure I That's extremely brutal I love you as a partner Like a cousin or something

[00:11:50] I'm not sure I'd really want to lie in bed beside you every night If you know what I mean Oh, okay, you know, it's just stop there That's okay I imagine there would be so many guns scattered across the bed That'd be very uncomfortable

[00:12:08] Yeah, no, I found the guns pretty easy Inside and inside I was Angry Adam Where did you... Yeah, there was, I did live next to the gun store Oh, that would make things a lot easier This did remind me Elizabeth

[00:12:27] When I first met you, you were talking about a friend who had a basement apartment that you wanted to go check on Should we double back? I don't think we checked on her I mean, we could I know we want to go west

[00:12:45] I mean, we were in that town like a week and a half ago But, um, I mean, we could go back and look for her Was she somebody you were close to? Well, no, I just... She had that basement apartment that seemed ideal

[00:13:00] But in fact, I actually found her a little bit tedious So I don't really need to check on her Oh, okay, that's good Did you have any family back there? Well, I mean, I know I've already disclosed that I was a single woman

[00:13:15] who was looking for love and not very successful But no, I mean, like my mom actually died when I was quite young I was only 14 Well, she didn't die, she just walked out on us

[00:13:31] but I like to say she died because it was easier for me to handle than to know she'd left us to go and follow Aerosmith which was kind of embarrassing I mean, in fairness, Aerosmith rock pretty hard sometimes, you know? Yeah, but like, this was 1990

[00:13:51] Oh yeah, there's a little maybe past I mean, maybe it was the 70s or whatever Maybe if they were doing Dream On still, I would understand But yeah, no, they weren't really Yeah, okay, okay Anyway, so I just told everyone that she actually fell off a boat

[00:14:06] when we were on a family yacht trip Yes, the yacht stories I mean, we didn't have a yacht We all have a yacht story Anyway, so it was just me and my dad for quite a while, I didn't have any siblings

[00:14:19] and my dad kind of, you know, he just sort of shut down after she left and, you know, we just didn't really connect anymore and then when I told him I was going to go to nursing school at a state

[00:14:33] he, you know, he was a bit, you know he just sort of looked up from the paper and said, okay and then he went back to the paper and that was it So, you know, I don't, that's why

[00:14:46] the two of you were so important to me when I met you That's why this chosen family is so important to me and it's why I was nervous about George because I just don't, I'd love to have children

[00:14:58] but like, I worry I don't know how to do it I didn't really have any role models and so Margaret, I hope you don't mind but I sort of look to you as a surrogate mom and, um, and uh... Elizabeth, angry Adam

[00:15:10] I think of both of you as surrogate children to me that, the, I've got to say the world is gone to shit but I think the two of you are just amazing Oh, thank you, that's so kind Here, let's hug across the table

[00:15:29] Yeah, I'm pretty cool, I knew that Angry Adam, I said let's hug across the table Oh good Just, just... Watch out for your food Hey, yeah, just watch out for your hook Hold on, who gets the hook? Your hooks, you're gonna hook in my hair

[00:15:42] It's gonna rip my hair Ow! Ow! Adam, can you help me? This is, maybe we should just stick to not hugging from now on Geez Maybe side hugs Is there some kind of like, is there some kind of like long sock we can place over the hook

[00:15:58] I was just thinking, now that we're done eating maybe there's like a cookware store and we can find like an oven mitt Mmm, you know what? There's actually a lot to do in this mall Last night while I was laying in my bed

[00:16:10] I was thinking of all the things I wanted to do but I just, there's so much that I think the only way we could possibly get it all done is in a montage I love a montage I love a montage The movie we saw had so many

[00:16:25] That's right So, you know what? I think maybe, let's see if there's some peppy music Yup Yup, that'll do and we can montage Montage! Montage! Ooh, okay I'm in a spa I've got my feet in one of these little water bucket things

[00:16:45] and I'm pretending to get my nails done like I used to I found this candy store and I'm having one of every candy They're all a bit stale and there's some mice living in this bucket but I'm just eating around them

[00:16:58] I'm just walking down and there's a zombie and now we've switched out the teta no big deal just keep walking Oh, there's another one Hey friend, ooh, staff, do this time I got to get like that I'm trying on jackets that I never could have afforded

[00:17:12] back in the day Oh, look at me I'm Elizabeth Taylor I put on this really beautiful outfit that I could never have afforded at Zara I know Zara's not that expensive but I mean a nurse's salary Anyway, I put on this beautiful outfit

[00:17:27] and here I am wearing these sunglasses and I'm standing in front of this fountain throwing in pennies because I'm pretending that I'm in a rom-com and Prince Charming is coming around the Oh, that's a zombie I'll just scope Saberman ahead Oh, look, that's a plant store

[00:17:43] This is some really nice chrysanthemums and hydrangea This reminds me of my days of regular atom bath when I won all those ornamental planting I'm looking into the mirror reflecting on the woman that I used to be wondering if she would even recognize the woman that I've become

[00:18:03] I can't believe I got blood on this jacket It was the last one on the rack and my size and now it's covered in that zombie's blood Oh my god, it's a gummy candy store I gotta wait Hold on We've had some issues before Adam

[00:18:22] No more gummy wax Hey Hey guys, look I found these walkie-talkies I think these are going to be pretty useful for us going forward I wasn't a radio check Can you believe there's still a radio check here? That is odd I didn't That is... They've gone out...

[00:18:42] Is that weighty? Hold on Is that a blockbuster? Ooh Stopping there later Okay, here Each of you take one of these walkie-talkies Okay Um, do you... Do you... I mean, do you guys still have stuff you want to do? Do you want to montage a little more?

[00:19:00] I have a couple more spots I want to visit Okay, well let's get back to it Oh, it's a stationery store As a little girl I used to come into stationery stores and touch all the paper and dream about all the letters which always are right to me

[00:19:14] I guess I'll have to write my own letters to myself I'm gonna get a few of these don't pads This one's weird It says the date But it's the wrong year That's strange I'm in this auto parts store Let's see if we can hook up some...

[00:19:29] Some gnaws to the fire truck I think it needs a little bit more speed Goofsters And that can figure it out I'm a guy who knows engines I just, you know, just pour that in the gas tank We'll see what happens I'm in an arcade

[00:19:45] Trying to shoot basketballs into this basketball hoop But I haven't played basketball in over Well, the lady never tells I'm standing outside there Okay, watching Margaret try to shoot baskets And I feel mean but I'm kind of laughing at her Because she looks ridiculous I'm watching Elizabeth

[00:20:05] She thinks she's holding in her laughter But she is not at all She is losing her shit Over Margaret trying to shoot those basketballs In fairness, it is pretty funny I'm secretly looking at a mirror Which has a reflection over my shoulder Of my two surrogate children

[00:20:23] Having the best day of their lives And my heart is swelling twelve times Um guys, hey Yeah? Oh hey there Margaret I was just walking by Oh wow, you two look Fully decked out in some cool new outfits Yeah, I did get a sharpie though

[00:20:43] So we could write medical leader On all these nice cool clothes I found Good call Um, so I just wanted to check in with you guys And let you know that I was over near the sporting store Yes I was thinking maybe I could find a cool tool

[00:20:58] Of some sort there but um It was actually full of I want to say 50 to 60 zombies Oh There was a gate Um, it didn't look locked unfortunately Okay So I think maybe we just Avoid that area for a little while Sure, um yeah

[00:21:21] Maybe we should think about heading out soon Yes Hey Margaret Yeah? We all, we all gave you Our back stores What about Margaret? Here wait I've got some snacks for this I found these bags of chips Here everyone have some, let's sit down Alright, alright

[00:21:42] I'm sitting crisscross applesauce Alright Margaret, life story let's go I'm gonna sit down in this chair And I mean what's there to tell Well let me tell you About the first time I fell in love I was I don't know 19 My family had just dragged me along

[00:22:03] Onto this boat We're headed across the Atlantic and um I met this young man and he He was just wonderful He showed me how to dance This weird Irish jig kind of thing And my parents were not happy That I was interacting with him

[00:22:22] Because I was already well I was engaged to another man who Was of a upper class you could say But this other man He just had something Blowing about him And he brought me to the front of the boat one night And he showed me how to fly

[00:22:42] Um unfortunately That boat hit an iceberg Margaret, Margaret this is This is the story of the film Titanic Yeah that's a movie, that's definitely The plot of a movie that I Have not seen Yeah could you tell us the truth please I don't mind how boring it is

[00:23:03] I just want to know the real you Oh well at my age Sometimes you mix up things I what you see Oh look the zombies have gotten free Oh shit yeah we did We didn't kind of just leave that situation Completely unattended To be continued I guess

[00:23:25] Saved by the zombies Margaret Um how convenient Alright once we deal with these Zombies I think maybe we should Get out so everyone start slashing Oh wait hold on I found this bazooka At the heavy weapons store It is interesting that there was

[00:23:45] They were selling rocket propelled grenades At the mall Then they just launched one of those And They were selling rocket propelled grenades At the mall And then they just launched one of those Oh wow yeah that's pretty good Alright then back to the

[00:24:06] Um you've also seen to have Ruin some of the structural integrity Of the mall Oh shit Oh no Okay everyone grab our stuff Okay we can do an inventory in the truck Does somebody have my arm We left it in the truck I think Okay Alright let's go

[00:24:25] It's free everywhere Crumbling! Oh my! No, we gotta go. Martin, do your superhuman speed. OK, follow me. OK, quick! Kick open the doors! Wait, no, you keep open. I don't got to keep open. Right. Oh, sorry. OK. OK. The truck hit me. Everybody's in the truck? OK.

[00:24:53] Let's look at all the stuff we grabbed. It looks like I stopped by a pharmacy and I got a bunch of new bandages and I got some anti-nausea medication and a whole bunch of tampons because they never tell you what women do, right? What menstruation is. Yes.

[00:25:08] No one ever covers that in the zombie stories. But let me tell you, it is not fun. Yes, angry Adam, you and an understand. Well, Margaret. Because you're a man. Yeah, Margaret, I don't think you really get it either. No, I still do. I do. Margaret! Really?

[00:25:26] You haven't had, you haven't hit menopause yet? That is impassive. I take a lot of vitamins. OK, well, Margaret, I got a supply for you too. Anyway. Oh, thank you. I'm glad that you're always thinking ahead. I grabbed some stuff but it's just a bunch of purses.

[00:25:43] That's really not... Yeah. Oh, OK. Well, you know, maybe we can swing them around our heads and attack people with them. Yeah, I, uh, you know, I found the supermarket and well, this backpack, it's all on the crustables. Oh! It's just filled with uncrustables. I really like uncrustables.

[00:26:02] You do like uncrustables, angry Adam. They're so good. Um, well, you know, at least they'll save. OK, so let's, um, so we got a couple of tents. We got some sleeping bags here. It looks like, um, oh, somebody... Is this a little stuffed bear? A little stuffed bear?

[00:26:19] No. That's, that's, that's for angry Adam. I got that for angry Adam. Oh, Adam! You can cuddle this bear. I don't need, I don't need emotional support ever for any reason. Yeah, well... But, uh, however I will take it into my session. You know what, angry Adam?

[00:26:35] I'm, I'll hold on to that for you. No, no, no, I'll take it, I'll take it. What's that? I mean, it just, it reminds me of... It reminds me of when I was a child. Growing up, during the Depression, all I had was my teddy.

[00:26:55] And of course, factory work, that took up a lot of my time, but... It seems a little bit more emotional than resident, I guess you can have the bear. I'm trying to figure out what movie plot this is, Margaret. Um, Jurassic Park? There was the Depression?

[00:27:12] Hmm, well, it seems like maybe we should get on the roof. The zombies are coming, I can hear them. We should get on the road before they overtake the truck. Hey, uh, hey guys, uh, maybe that's not the best time to bring us up, but uh...

[00:27:29] The fire truck is pretty close to almost entirely out of gas. Oh no. How far can we make it? Probably, I'm gonna say one more mile. That's not very far, hopefully there's a gas station at the end of the mile.

[00:27:47] We're gonna have to get away from these zombies, so one mile will have to do, my dear. Alright, I'm floored in. Oh, woo! Here we go! Okay, I wonder what our next adventure is going to be. The whole world... I mean, hopefully we get gas.

[00:28:03] Yeah, gas first, but the whole world's still our oyster. It's true, and we're gonna be one mile closer to California. Is there like another food? I don't really like oysters. Is there like another food the whole world can be? The whole world's like a big uncrustable.

[00:28:21] That's what I was gonna say, angry Adam. The whole world is an uncrustable. And we're traveling across the crust of... Alright, here we go! Woohoo! I'm Jenny. I'm Randy. And I'm Ra. And thank you for listening to Welcome to the Apocalypse.

[00:28:48] Every fifth episode we're picking a random reviewer and sending them some free merch. And the winner of this fifth episode is Panuski on Apple Podcasts who titled their review Team Margaret and commented that it was incredibly silly, but gave us five stars.

[00:29:07] We'll try and reach out to you, but if you hear this and we haven't gotten in touch yet, please just shoot us an email at wtapod at gmail.com. So remember the sooner you get your review in, the more chances you get to win.

[00:29:23] Do you know what I'm excited about? I'm excited when a bad reviewer gets a prize. Because if it's random. Yup, it could happen. It could happen. If you want to send us a message or get in touch with us,

[00:29:36] you can find all our contact information at podcasticad.com. And while you're there, be sure to check out our other shows. If you're a fan of the show Ted Lasso, Ben and Kristen are doing a rewatch and covering each episode right now on the Revisited Podcast.

[00:29:51] You can find that at podcasticad.com. That's our show. Until next time. Welcome to the Apocalypse. What is an uncrustable? It's like a little pocket, peanut butter and jelly. They're usually frozen. It is a pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the pickiest eaters in the world.

[00:30:23] Oh my God. So it's like a pizza pocket. Yeah, circular peanut butter and jelly pizza pocket. And Angry Adam loves them.